i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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