Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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