life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
