can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I am puke
she woke up with a sticky ear
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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