If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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