when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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