You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
