I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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