yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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