I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
