I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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