you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
