so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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