the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
if i died would you start the facebook group?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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