sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
