I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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