Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
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