Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
