I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
