Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
