I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Randomize
