who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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