I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
