just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
