I cut my penus on the lid.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
