My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
