I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
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