i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
