Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
