Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
