So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
