Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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