I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
