Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
