I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i barfeds in our rink
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
