Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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