Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
