i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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