dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
