R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
