I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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