I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
