My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
