Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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