the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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