just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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