She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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