My first STD was from a foam party
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You're like the curious george of whores
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
