The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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