Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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