Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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