Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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