What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
